- KEYWORDS
- New Year’s Resolutions;
- Smoking;
- Cigarettes;
- Stealing;
- Diets;
- Weight;
- Accidents
Resolution No. 1: I Will Quit Smoking
On New Year’s Day, I started using nicotine patches, nicotine gum, and nicotine lozenges but stopped when I began to hallucinate that I was a Lucky Strike. January 2nd brought a new, less arrogant resolution: “I will smoke only cigarettes I did not pay for.” Unfortunately, I hadn’t anticipated how easy it would be to steal them at the 7-Eleven, especially when the girl behind the counter was on her cell phone trying to cast a vote for “American Idol.” Seven months later, I’m actually smoking slightly more than I did last year, but that may be because I’m more focussed on trying to quit stealing.
Resolution No. 2: I Will Lose Thirty Pounds
Successful dieters say it’s not what you eat but how much you eat that counts, which is why, back in January, I resolved to eat only while driving. After all, there’s only so much you can shove into your mouth when one hand is on the wheel and the other is holding a cigarette. I guess we’ll never know whether my diet would have worked, since on January 3rd I drove my Sentra into the display window of a roofing-supply store in Long Island City. Since then, I’ve actually gained about five pounds, most of which I chalk up to the nervous eating I’ve been doing while awaiting my trial. On the positive side, now that I have to walk everywhere it’s only a matter of time before my unsightly love handles are ancient history.
Resolution No. 3: I Will Be Nicer to My Co-Workers
I’ve never exactly been Mr. Popularity at work, but I’ve never been Mr. Unpopularity, either. (That would be Dale, especially since I spread the rumor that he, and not I, was the one who had been stealing everyone’s yogurt out of the refrigerator.) Still, I resolved to be a little nicer around the office, as this January 4th exchange with my co-worker Barry demonstrates:
Me: Hey, Barry, how’s it going? Barry: Real busy—got a big presentation tomorrow and I’m nowhere near ready. Me: Oh, well, let’s have a pity party. Barry: What did you say? Me: See ya—wouldn’t want to be ya!
O.K., so maybe I could’ve been nicer than that, but if being nice means sucking up to self-important shits like Barry I’d just as soon ditch this dopey resolution altogether.
Resolution No. 4: I Will Stop Sneaking Up Behind People and Poking Them with a Sharp Wooden Stick
I did this only three times last year, so it’s a reach to call it a “habit.” And yet, those three incidents, plus the time I spent online shopping for just the right stick, constitute a troubling pattern of behavior. Here’s the good news: so far this year, I have sneaked up behind only one person and poked him (Barry, on January 5th), so, at that rate, I will do it only twice this year—well off last year’s pace. The bad news is that these incidents could pick up in frequency during the cold-weather months, when it’s easier to conceal a sharp wooden stick under a heavy overcoat. But even if I wind up poking, say, four or five people, total, this year, I’m not going to beat myself up about it. What with all the other resolutions I’ve made, this is one of the few simple pleasures I have left. ♦
Read more http://www.newyorker.com/archive/2004/08/09/040809sh_shouts#ixzz1iQvCGBoJ
